Before reading this review, you should know that this book contains language and subjects that would cause it to exceed an 'R' rating if it were a motion picture. These vulgarities, sexual references, and violence are essential to the book's content. The author also apologizes for the need to employ them. If your teenager had a serious case of the flu, you would be sympathetic and helpful. When the same teenager acts in ways you disagree with, are you inclined to be unsympathetic and challenging? Dr. Bradley argues in this intriguing book that your reaction should be very similar. Both are usually natural occurrences of body dysfunctions from which your teen will recover. Although that may sound like a psychological metaphor, Dr. Bradley points out that research with MRIs shows that the growth of the corpus callosum (which coordinates cross-brain functions) and development of the prefrontal cortex (which civilizes responses that the 'old brain' stimulates) are both occurring during the teenage years. Until those brain developments are more complete, your teen will react in bizarre ways that she or he will be unable to explain. I found that way of thinking about teenage behavior to be fascinating.
My own description of the teenage years experienced by our children was that boys' behavior generally went downhill until age 13 when it bottomed out, to begin gradually improving thereafter. For girls, the decline in behavior seemed to begin around 13, and started to improve after age 20.
Dr. Bradley points out that teens have always been like this. So what has changed? 'We've created a world dripping with sex, drugs, and violence and plunked our temporarily insane children in the middle of it.' Parents often treat their teens as though they can handle it. 'The fact is that cannot handle 'it' and they know this.' 'Teens left on their own as small adults not only . . . [make serious mistakes], they become depressed and rageful in the bargain.' Dr. Bradley's descriptions of the increased exposure to these influences on television, at home, in school, and with friends will leave you convinced that we have a more toxic environment for today's teenagers. He cites many case histories and statistics to make his points very compelling.
The solution is for parents to change, and become a more positive influence on their teens. I was especially moved by his observation that parents need to stop mourning for their younger, happy, well-behaved child who will not return any time soon.
He offers ten commandments for being a good parent:
(1) Behave and think dispassionately;
(2) Listen well and support emotionally;
(3) Say little in a pleasant way;
(4) Take the time you need to make an appropriate response;
(5) Forget your personal pride in finding a response;
(6) Avoid being physical, even friendly gestures can be annoying to teens;
(7) Apologize for anything you have done wrong;
(8) Accept the identity your teen is trying out;
(9) Be true to your own beliefs; and
(10) Remember that all this will eventually pass.
The book offers excellent guidance on rule-setting and enforcement that are similar to what worked well with our now grown-up teens.
The book also has sections on how to deal with common problems like privacy, angry teens, drugs, sex and dating, family problems, discussing legal versus illegal drugs. You are also given a sense of what is normal and abnormal behavior related to acting out, depression, eating disorders, and suicide risk. For any hint of abnormal behavior, get professional help fast (apparently 19% of teens have given serious thought to how they would commit suicide, and the depressed teens are not the ones most at risk). You are also given good ideas for how to get teens to professional help. One of the best parts of this section is pointing out how two parents should cooperate (if you and your spouse are together) and single parents can best cope....
I particularly liked two final pieces of advice. 'It turns out love is the magic, after all.' 'Keep your sense of humor!'
After you finish reading this book, I suggest that you think about where your own behavior as a teen was irrationally impulsive. Dr. Bradley cites a horrible night of misbehavior that he had as a teen. I know I gave into my impulses in various occasions. Now imagine how you would have liked your parents to respond while this was going on, both with and without the house of cards falling in on you. Those recollections may be your best guide to how you can improve, and earn even higher trust and respect from your teen.
Support emotional messes and illnesses as generously as you support physical ills!
Donald Mitchell...
